April 27, 2008

Looking out, looking in

Posted in causes of food addiction tagged , at 12:45 am by foodaddict

I am surprised, and encouraged, that there are so many blogs out there written by women (and men) with eating disorders. I realize that I’ve just begun to scratch the surface in the past few weeks. It is comforting to read words written by people who’ve gone through the same craziness as me.

And even though I distrust anything “inspirational”, because it connotes a Hallmark card, I’m comforted to know that there are people out there who have a positive attitude about “overcoming” their eating disorder. My own mindset is so dark.

I have spent my entire life dealing with this, and all my problems, in private. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve ever discussed eating troubles with anyone. It is really a relief to be able to “talk” about these things “openly”, even anonymously.

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I’m beginning to realize that this food problem has a lot to do with feeling out of control, and my need to be able to control everything in my life. I’m a little surprised, because I had started this blog intending to take a very dispassionate look at the “causes” of food addiction — I was going to look at this problem as an impartial observer. I didn’t want this to be a rehash of therapy and a discussion of all the imperfections of my childhood. I had a dozen explanations for my food problem — none of which had to do with me, of course. (“It’s because of this modern life that’s been thrust upon us, it’s because of the television, it’s because of the junk food companies selling us crack in the form of cookies, it’s because my family has drifted apart, blah, blah, blah.”)

But in the end, it looks like I’ll need to look inside myself after all. And it doesn’t even have to be about the past. All I have to do is look at what’s happening in the present moment.

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