June 18, 2008

Uh-oh

Posted in changing habits, managing food addiction tagged , at 9:31 am by foodaddict

I am losing the battle against the rising tide of poundage. The scale clicked up another pound this morning. I guess the excesses of the past two weeks are catching up with me.

Not that that’s supposed to matter, of course.

Numbers are supposed to be irrelevant. This is not about the weight. I keep asking myself, how do I feel? Do I feel like my eating is getting out of hand? Or am I just freaking out because of a stupid number?

Well…I did feel the fat cells on my face expanding last night…and my hips have been looking a little wider lately…and I’ve stopped running almost altogether….and I have been overdoing it on the cheese, chocolate and wine. I still haven’t lapsed into full-scale binges. No tubs of ice cream, no boxes of cookies, no large pizzas, no loaves of bread and sticks of butter. So I guess this is only cause for mild concern rather than major panic.

I was really happy with my non-eating. So happy that I guess I started to celebrate…with food. Plus I guess I was a little afraid of getting “too” skinny, so I stopped exercising. Hmmm….

June 17, 2008

Backsliding, thanks to family

Posted in binge triggers, changing habits, managing food addiction tagged , , at 8:46 am by foodaddict

This week wasn’t great. All because I actually listened to people who told me to eat.

Went on a two-day vacation at the beach, hosted by my stepmother and dad. Of course, stepmother insists on feeding everyone 18 hours a day. OK, so it’s a vacation, I can relax a little, right? I was just repulsed by all the processed food. Immediately upon our arrival: “Who wants a tuna melt?” A tuna what? Ugh. White bread…haven’t had that for about five years. But I acquiesce, for the sake of good family relations. Fine, I’ll have your ?*#@$ tuna melt.

Then we sit down to the table, and someone asks the hostess which tuna melt she’d like….to which she calmly replies, “Oh, I’m not having one. I’m having a salad!”

Un-freaking-believable. Here I am, blowing my food plan, and you’re having a salad. Not cool.

So anyway, the next 36 hours were more of the same. Pita chips. Hummus. Nuts. Hot dogs. Cookies. English muffins. In other words, bad shit. I guess I need to practice saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t eat that. It’s not part of my nutritional plan.” I’m so afraid of not upsetting people. So instead, I let them upset me.

Now I’m back home, and all I can think of is cheese. I bought a big wedge of Asiago at the grocery store two weeks ago, and have made short work of it in the past three days. And I’ve crept up 2 pounds on the scale. Not fun. I really don’t want to throw all the cheese in the garbage. But unless I can get things under control TODAY, I might have to do just that.

Oh, and no thanks to husband, who over the weekend kept suggesting I should have lunch. I have to work up the courage to tell him that I don’t do lunch any more.

June 9, 2008

My one-night stand with pizza

Posted in binge triggers, managing food addiction tagged , , at 8:34 am by foodaddict

The old me — the eater — used to have pizza at least once a week. And the new me? I had been dreaming about pizza for months…that crispy, crunchy, cheesy old friend of mine. I was making all sorts of deals with myself. Pizza was going to be my ultimate reward for good behavior.

And finally, the opportunity arose. A night out with friends (coincidentally, a group of girls going to see “Sex and the City”). A movie, followed by dinner at an Italian restaurant. Ah, heaven!

Manna from heaven

They ordered a pie with pepperoni and peppers. I hate peppers, but who cares? It was PIZZA! It arrived at our table and I dove in. The first slice was truly heavenly. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a piece of pizza quite so much. I savored every bite. The second slice, also very good. The third slice…ummm…I didn’t really want that one. Fourth slice: well, the food was just sitting there; how could I let food go to waste?

By the end of the night, I felt a little…icky. And the next day, all I could think of was that glutinous mass sitting in my stomach.

Was it worth it? Yes, I’d do it all over again. I wish I could stop at the second slice, but that just doesn’t seem possible for an ex-eater like me. Guess I’ll wait until the next night out with the girls…in another eight months or so. Although oddly enough, I’m not craving pizza any more.

May 9, 2008

Getting better (?)

Posted in managing food addiction tagged , at 9:55 am by foodaddict

I think I have this new not-eating thing down. I eat whenever I’m around people, whenever we have a meal together, I eat normally, and when I’m by myself, I can just forget about food, or just eat minimally.

The best part is, when I do eat, I can eat the foods I really enjoy, like cheese, or bread, and I don’t feel guilty about them. I even have dessert.

Most importantly, I haven’t binged at all in the past several weeks — mainly because I don’t keep my “trigger” foods in the house, not because of any newfound willpower. Also, I’m starting to master the art of only eating until I’m not hungry, rather than stuffing myself until I’m overfull.

Also, food is just less of a concern overall. I feel like not-eating has freed up my mind to concentrate on other things. I’m not always thinking about my next meal.

On top of all this, my doctor suggested a new treatment for my allergies, which is working wonders. I wake up in the morning not feeling like my head is full of cement, and I actually feel like doing things I’ve been putting off for months. Wow! I think the spring weather and sunshine may be helping my mood, too.

My only concern is that I don’t want to take this too far. I’ve reached a weight I’m comfortable with, and I’m happy with how I look. I don’t want to let this slide into anorexia….mainly because I don’t want people to start giving me a hard time with my weight loss. My mother has already made a comment that I’m almost “too” skinny. Then again, there’s no pleasing one’s mother, is there? 😉

April 21, 2008

Managing expectations, keeping up appearances

Posted in managing food addiction tagged , , at 1:42 am by foodaddict

If this new ‘thin mindset’ is going to work for me, I’m going to have to manage my own expectations about food, and manage other people’s expectations on how I’m supposed to be eating.

Today, for example, I had to work on a Sunday, and we customarily get a free lunch in exchange. I *really* wanted to show up early, around 12pm, and claim my free lunch then, but…I wasn’t hungry. And the thin me is not supposed to eat when I’m not hungry. So lunchtime ended up being around 4pm. I knew I was going to be meeting some friends for dinner in the early evening, so I didn’t want to overindulge in advance. I asked if I could order a dessert to take home…and they were out of dessert. Strike 1. Minor panic. What the fuck was I supposed to do now? So I ordered a small appetizer.

The food came, and I picked at it. I knew right away that I wasn’t going to eat the whole thing. I offered the rest to one of my co-workers, who gladly started munching. I was expecting that I would get some comments from my co-workers, because the food we get for lunch is always from a fabulous restaurant, and it’s always delicious. Sure enough, one of them pipes up, “That’s all you’re eating for your meal?” But, I was prepared, and I replied nonchalantly, “Yeah, I’m meeting some friends for dinner soon, so I didn’t want to eat too much now.”

So maybe I do have enough confidence to pull this off…I just have to stay strong. As long as I can come up with a convincing response to their queries, I can do this. What seems to be working for me is to not eat a lot during the day, and then at night, I can eat like a normal person. I know it’s going to be tough when I start getting into more social situations during the week at work….so far I haven’t had to go to lunch with any co-workers, I just eat my small snacks during the day and, let’s face it, starve myself until 8pm. I would freak out if I had to go to lunch with people. Seriously, I would either have to start pushing food into my napkin like a 5-year-old, or I probably would gain back all the weight that I’ve lost over the past weeks.

Oh, and to briefly touch on ‘managing my own expectations’ with respect to food — two days ago, I actually felt sad at the thought of all the food that I’m not ‘allowed’ to eat. I was literally nostalgic over cookies and ice cream. I was a little surprised at that. They are not going to be a part of my life any more, and I miss them in a visceral way. I’m not sure what I can find to replace them. Endless cans of diet soda, I suppose.