June 18, 2008

Uh-oh

Posted in changing habits, managing food addiction tagged , at 9:31 am by foodaddict

I am losing the battle against the rising tide of poundage. The scale clicked up another pound this morning. I guess the excesses of the past two weeks are catching up with me.

Not that that’s supposed to matter, of course.

Numbers are supposed to be irrelevant. This is not about the weight. I keep asking myself, how do I feel? Do I feel like my eating is getting out of hand? Or am I just freaking out because of a stupid number?

Well…I did feel the fat cells on my face expanding last night…and my hips have been looking a little wider lately…and I’ve stopped running almost altogether….and I have been overdoing it on the cheese, chocolate and wine. I still haven’t lapsed into full-scale binges. No tubs of ice cream, no boxes of cookies, no large pizzas, no loaves of bread and sticks of butter. So I guess this is only cause for mild concern rather than major panic.

I was really happy with my non-eating. So happy that I guess I started to celebrate…with food. Plus I guess I was a little afraid of getting “too” skinny, so I stopped exercising. Hmmm….

June 17, 2008

Backsliding, thanks to family

Posted in binge triggers, changing habits, managing food addiction tagged , , at 8:46 am by foodaddict

This week wasn’t great. All because I actually listened to people who told me to eat.

Went on a two-day vacation at the beach, hosted by my stepmother and dad. Of course, stepmother insists on feeding everyone 18 hours a day. OK, so it’s a vacation, I can relax a little, right? I was just repulsed by all the processed food. Immediately upon our arrival: “Who wants a tuna melt?” A tuna what? Ugh. White bread…haven’t had that for about five years. But I acquiesce, for the sake of good family relations. Fine, I’ll have your ?*#@$ tuna melt.

Then we sit down to the table, and someone asks the hostess which tuna melt she’d like….to which she calmly replies, “Oh, I’m not having one. I’m having a salad!”

Un-freaking-believable. Here I am, blowing my food plan, and you’re having a salad. Not cool.

So anyway, the next 36 hours were more of the same. Pita chips. Hummus. Nuts. Hot dogs. Cookies. English muffins. In other words, bad shit. I guess I need to practice saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t eat that. It’s not part of my nutritional plan.” I’m so afraid of not upsetting people. So instead, I let them upset me.

Now I’m back home, and all I can think of is cheese. I bought a big wedge of Asiago at the grocery store two weeks ago, and have made short work of it in the past three days. And I’ve crept up 2 pounds on the scale. Not fun. I really don’t want to throw all the cheese in the garbage. But unless I can get things under control TODAY, I might have to do just that.

Oh, and no thanks to husband, who over the weekend kept suggesting I should have lunch. I have to work up the courage to tell him that I don’t do lunch any more.

May 24, 2008

A change in cravings

Posted in changing habits tagged , at 10:02 pm by foodaddict

The strangest thing has been happening over the past few weeks. I’ve stopped craving junk food. One night last week, I was tired and hungry, and I actually wanted to eat — gasp — a vegetable! Something inside me was craving a substantial, nutritious meal.

Where the hell did that come from?

A voice inside my head was telling me that ice cream would not make me feel any better. I heard it clear as a bell and I believed it. Amazing. Never happened before in my entire life.

The truth is, when I eat any dessert now, I usually only want half a portion. I haven’t succumbed to the siren call of a bag of cookies and a gallon of ice cream in quite a while. Maybe it’s partially because my stress level has gone down with the end of the school semester. Plus, I have a new, better-paying job on the horizon.

Of course, I do have urges to binge. Typically when I start eating too early in the day — like today, when I had a sandwich and a hot dog and ice cream at a Memorial Day picnic lunch — I just want to continue eating like an “eater” when dinnertime rolls around. But I feel confident that I can spend a little extra time at the gym tomorrow and work off the holiday excess.

The good news is, I’ve stopped losing weight. I didn’t want this to turn into anorexia, and I seem to have found a happy medium where I do eat foods I like (just not three times a day, as an eater would), yet I don’t feel “fat”. On the down side, I’m not pleased that I’ve gotten into the habit of weighing myself every morning. That was not supposed to be the point of this change in lifestyle. The point was to change my lifelong unhealthy eating habits, stop binging and stop feeling so out of control. The weight loss was just a fortunate side effect. Nevertheless, I do feel this secret guilty pleasure knowing that I’ve lost 10 pounds over the last few months. How clichéd can you get?