August 13, 2008

The world outside my head

Posted in solitude tagged , , at 11:23 pm by foodaddict

So maybe this blog doesn’t just have to be about food anymore. After all, there’s more too me than just whatever I shove in my mouth, right?

I’m taking this class about organizational behavior and we’re learning about motivation. Some people, the authors say, are naturally very goal-directed and highly motivated to achieve. I started thinking about my boss, a high-powered upper-management type. He’s a very smart, well-educated, well-connected guy and also very interested in money. It’s fascinating for me to observe him in his “natural environment” because I come from a very middle-class, civil-service family. He’s a great talker and schmoozer. He and his wife seem to have a personal relationship with his business colleagues. That’s such a foreign concept to me, for a couple to have a friendly relationship with another couple, and actually know stuff about their lives and their children and send them gifts. I guess that’s how things work in that world. All my life I have lived so much by myself, so cut off from other people, and that’s the only way of life I know. But of course that’s no way to “get ahead”, not in the real world (that’s the one outside my head 😉 where people care about status and money and fancy cars and pricey diplomas.

I know that there’s a world out there where people have relationships and networks, but it all just seems so foreign to me. You might as well ask me to build a rocket ship and fly to the moon! My husband and I are both loners in a way. You’re more likely to find us in front of our respective computers than socializing. But humans are social animals…. how long can you go on living alone until you start despairing? I’ve lasted about 32 years so far. 😉

August 12, 2008

My head = black hole

Posted in general dissatisfaction tagged , , , at 11:21 pm by foodaddict

My head is not doing too well right now.

Started a new job last month. I can’t eat my “special” food any more because it makes me pass too much gas in the office and people comment about it. So I eat shit and have started gaining weight.

It sucks to work all day and then go to grad school at night. And there is no end in sight to that lifestyle. I have at least another year and four months.

It seems like working has no point, either. My husband is incredibly lethargic about the remote possibility of looking for a house. He is extremely pessimistic about that and his pessimism has rubbed off on me. I told him if I have to stay in our shithole neighborhood indefinitely, I might as well kill myself. But unfortunately I can’t really kill myself while he and my parents are still alive. So where does that leave me?