June 18, 2008

Uh-oh

Posted in changing habits, managing food addiction tagged , at 9:31 am by foodaddict

I am losing the battle against the rising tide of poundage. The scale clicked up another pound this morning. I guess the excesses of the past two weeks are catching up with me.

Not that that’s supposed to matter, of course.

Numbers are supposed to be irrelevant. This is not about the weight. I keep asking myself, how do I feel? Do I feel like my eating is getting out of hand? Or am I just freaking out because of a stupid number?

Well…I did feel the fat cells on my face expanding last night…and my hips have been looking a little wider lately…and I’ve stopped running almost altogether….and I have been overdoing it on the cheese, chocolate and wine. I still haven’t lapsed into full-scale binges. No tubs of ice cream, no boxes of cookies, no large pizzas, no loaves of bread and sticks of butter. So I guess this is only cause for mild concern rather than major panic.

I was really happy with my non-eating. So happy that I guess I started to celebrate…with food. Plus I guess I was a little afraid of getting “too” skinny, so I stopped exercising. Hmmm….

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June 17, 2008

Backsliding, thanks to family

Posted in binge triggers, changing habits, managing food addiction tagged , , at 8:46 am by foodaddict

This week wasn’t great. All because I actually listened to people who told me to eat.

Went on a two-day vacation at the beach, hosted by my stepmother and dad. Of course, stepmother insists on feeding everyone 18 hours a day. OK, so it’s a vacation, I can relax a little, right? I was just repulsed by all the processed food. Immediately upon our arrival: “Who wants a tuna melt?” A tuna what? Ugh. White bread…haven’t had that for about five years. But I acquiesce, for the sake of good family relations. Fine, I’ll have your ?*#@$ tuna melt.

Then we sit down to the table, and someone asks the hostess which tuna melt she’d like….to which she calmly replies, “Oh, I’m not having one. I’m having a salad!”

Un-freaking-believable. Here I am, blowing my food plan, and you’re having a salad. Not cool.

So anyway, the next 36 hours were more of the same. Pita chips. Hummus. Nuts. Hot dogs. Cookies. English muffins. In other words, bad shit. I guess I need to practice saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t eat that. It’s not part of my nutritional plan.” I’m so afraid of not upsetting people. So instead, I let them upset me.

Now I’m back home, and all I can think of is cheese. I bought a big wedge of Asiago at the grocery store two weeks ago, and have made short work of it in the past three days. And I’ve crept up 2 pounds on the scale. Not fun. I really don’t want to throw all the cheese in the garbage. But unless I can get things under control TODAY, I might have to do just that.

Oh, and no thanks to husband, who over the weekend kept suggesting I should have lunch. I have to work up the courage to tell him that I don’t do lunch any more.

June 9, 2008

My one-night stand with pizza

Posted in binge triggers, managing food addiction tagged , , at 8:34 am by foodaddict

The old me — the eater — used to have pizza at least once a week. And the new me? I had been dreaming about pizza for months…that crispy, crunchy, cheesy old friend of mine. I was making all sorts of deals with myself. Pizza was going to be my ultimate reward for good behavior.

And finally, the opportunity arose. A night out with friends (coincidentally, a group of girls going to see “Sex and the City”). A movie, followed by dinner at an Italian restaurant. Ah, heaven!

Manna from heaven

They ordered a pie with pepperoni and peppers. I hate peppers, but who cares? It was PIZZA! It arrived at our table and I dove in. The first slice was truly heavenly. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a piece of pizza quite so much. I savored every bite. The second slice, also very good. The third slice…ummm…I didn’t really want that one. Fourth slice: well, the food was just sitting there; how could I let food go to waste?

By the end of the night, I felt a little…icky. And the next day, all I could think of was that glutinous mass sitting in my stomach.

Was it worth it? Yes, I’d do it all over again. I wish I could stop at the second slice, but that just doesn’t seem possible for an ex-eater like me. Guess I’ll wait until the next night out with the girls…in another eight months or so. Although oddly enough, I’m not craving pizza any more.